South Wellness Wednesday - Helping Your Middle Grade Children When Acts of Violence Occur

At South, we were saddened to hear of the violent killings in Buffalo last weekend, and horrified to learn of the racist motivations of the attacker. At times like these, we focus on our daily mantra for all members of our community: Be good to yourself. Take care of each other. Take care of your school. During the pandemic-enforced separation, we adapted this last line to say, "Take care of your space." For our middle schoolers, we want them to be mindful of their own needs to be healthy and happy, but also to be doubly attentive to the needs of others: those in their immediate circle and in their community.

As you look at your middle schooler, it's tempting to ignore "heavy" topics or not to bring up something that you worry could be traumatic, but it's important to discuss these events with them. For one thing, they'll find out some information anyway--from half-heard conversations, social media, or on the bus--and it's essential to make sure they have accurate information. The Buffalo shooter intentionally drove to a supermarket in a Black neighborhood to act out his hatred and fear of Black people by shooting innocent victims. His racist motivation is not a matter of debate; he stated it explicitly in his online post justifying the hate crime. If kids don't hear these facts, they can easily be misled by false information online, in memes, or in their peers' unreliable reports. Recent research has brought to light how racist and hateful memes are being peppered into kids' innocent social media streams and laying the groundwork to indoctrinate them into hate groups, dehumanize them and their perception of others, and make them vulnerable to misinformation and extremism. The Buffalo shooter detailed how he was radicalized into White supremacy beginning with the Christchurch shooter in New Zealand. If we don't address these incidents, kids will look into on their own, and may well become the targets of recruitment as a result.

Caring adults should be our kids' most trusted sources of information, and by opening the conversation you give your child the opportunity to ask questions. Even if they don't take you up on it this time, it's helpful to show that you're open to talking. It's also helpful if you don't know all the answers to say you'll look into it and get back to them or look it up together. This models how you track down and confirm information, and it establishes you--their caring adult--as a trusted source. 

Kids may have a lot of feelings about this event, so talking it out is healthy and positive. They may feel angry, sorrowful, curious, scared. You can validate their feelings and reassure them that, statistically speaking, they are very safe. But, you can also empower them by talking about ways to address their feelings. If they are angry and upset about racism, what are some ways they can fight against it? As a community, it's important to act on our commitment to a diverse society, free of race-based hatred and racism. The Anti-Defamation League has some helpful resources to get families thinking about ways you can make a difference: 10 Ways Youth Can Engage in Activism.

Your child's guidance counselor or pediatrician can help if they bring up anything that merits deeper concern. If your child--or you--need to speak with someone, don't forget that every Braintree resident is eligible for referral for mental or emotional health support through the INTERFACE program. Their website contains numerous helpful resources without pursuing a referral, too, and the school would be happy to help you navigate the system as needed.

Sources for further reading:
ADL.org: "The Horrific Shooting in Buffalo: How to Talk with Young People"
PBS.org: "Talking About Race With Kids: Conversation Starters"
Devorah Heitner (Washington Post): "When the news intrudes: Helping kids make sense of the media" 
Joani Geltman: "Creating Empathy and Understanding"