We hear a lot about technology and screen time and how it's affecting kids (and adults!). Twitter and TikTok are destroying kids' attention spans and Instagram is targeting girls' self-esteem. Screen time is destroying social skills, and even the blue light from screens is physically bad for our eyes. It's hopeless! But wait...
Social media is called "social" for a reason. We adults don't like to see kids with their faces buried in their phones, but for some kids their "friends" on social media are where they can find community. Adolescence is a critical time for forming your own identity, and kids' opportunities to explore their interests were very limited over the past 2+ years due to the pandemic shutdowns. Exploring their interests online is a good way to find out more about hobbies or interest areas. A teen may create an account to explore an interest in anime or chess or bird-watching, and keep that totally off their "real" social media accounts so people don't pressure them about it. If it turns out that's not really their thing for the long term, it's easy to unfollow accounts based on those topics and explore the next thing. If it turns into a real passion, they may start bringing it up in the accounts that have their real name or image, because that's who they're truly becoming.
OK, so exploration is good, but what if they're joining communities online that I'm concerned about? As caregivers, the most important thing is for us to stay in the loop.* The best approach is to keep talking to them, ask what they're seeing and talking about online, and avoid judgment. The more you can show them that you're OK with them exploring different things, the more they'll be honest about what they're exploring. If something is concerning, your best approach is still to talk to them about it. What do you think about that? Does that seem like something you'd want to do? At school, we often say, "What would your grandmother think if she saw that you posted this?" Kids do have a strong instinct for right-and-wrong even if they're super-impulsive at this age. Asking what a loved one would think helps them put themselves in someone else's shoes and see information from a neutral place.
Our kids have a very rich social life online. As teachers, we're finding that this is at a whole new level over the past 2 years. But, at the recent Spring Carnival, one of the teachers pointed out that we barely saw anyone with their cell phone out, except to take pictures. The students were enjoying their time with their friends in person, and no one was stalking around with their face buried in their phone. At home, the adults can set limits and give a clear statement of why screens are off-limits, although we also have to model what we expect--the hardest part for me! If I say no phones at the dinner table, I better put all the phones over on the counter and explain that I want to talk about everyone's day. (Then, it's an arduous half-hour while I ask 1,000 questions to try to spark conversation while also trying not to pry, be judgmental, or "force" it, as the kids say!)**
Here's the pro tip: tell your kids to use you as their excuse! They'll face all sorts of peer pressure if they're not online at all hours or if they disappear from a social media platform, so tell them to throw you right under the bus: "My mom's the worst. She shuts off our wifi at 8 PM!" (enter: the little white lie). "My dad said I can't go on Snapchat unless I share an account with him, and he's going to post the most embarrassing photos every day... and he will, too!!" Their friends will leave them alone, and you'll earn some street cred as the parent not to mess with!
If you want to read more, here is an excellent, comprehensive but not super-long article with links for more information on these topics: https://childmind.org/article/how-using-social-media-affects-teenagers/
In the fall, I joined a webinar on "Middle Schoolers and Teens" and appreciated the insights of Dr. Devorah Heitner. She offers some resources to help with a technology reset:
- Sign up for her free, 7-day Family Tech Reset by entering your email on the Reset page. Each day, for 7 days, you’ll get an email from me with simple and actionable suggestions that you can implement right away to help your family thrive in the digital age.
- You’ll learn new ways of relating to your tech devices.
- You’ll have fewer conflicts over homework.
- You’ll have more time for your goals and for fun.
- You’ll be a great tech role model for your kids.
- You’ll understand the apps and games they love better, which will help you be a better mentor.
Read her book Screenwise: Helping Kids Thrive and Survive in Their Digital World. (20% off at Bookshop.org today only! That's an affiliate link that will benefit South.)
Follow Dr. Heitner on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter to see what she is reading, writing, and learning about kids and technology.
One last thing, about the blue light. On your phone, you can set "Night Shift" (iOS) or "Night Light" (Android) to make your screen emit "warmer" light. It's supposed to make the glow from your phone less stimulating late at night, so you're not making it harder to fall asleep while mindlessly scrolling. I don't know if that's true, but I set mine to turn on at 10 PM, and it has the effect of making my social media surfing much less fun. The pictures kind of seem dull, so it's less engaging to me, and I'm more likely to get bored and put my phone down instead of doom-scrolling into the wee hours.
- On an iPhone, go to Settings, then Display & Brightness, and click on Night Shift to set a daily time.
- On Android, go to Settings, then Display, and select Night Light to set a daily time.
* It's reasonable to ask your kids for their social media passwords, not to snoop, but in case you ever need to check up on them. But, that's a system that's easy for them to get around: they can just create a fake account ("finsta") and hide it so you never know they have 2 accounts.
** I think I talked a few weeks ago about "Roses & Thorns" where you go around the table and everyone shares one thing they loved and one thing that didn't go well each day. Everyone's allowed one "pass" or "pass for now" but everyone is expected to share at least one thing about their day, adults too. This is an ice-breaker in some of our classrooms, and it's a great way to get people sharing as everyone comments on each other's stories. Also good for long car rides if anyone's planning to travel over the break!
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